At some point this fall you had a question you did not ask.
Does the school send the transcript, or do we? Who writes his counselor letter, and do they even know him? Can she still change her schedule?
The answer was probably four minutes away, sitting in your kid’s school counselor’s inbox. You Googled it at eleven at night instead.
Not because you couldn’t email. Because you weren’t sure it was a reasonable thing to ask, and you didn’t want to be the parent who emails about something everyone else already knows. Inside Higher Ed reported in August that students and families tend to avoid asking the people who actually have the answers, and that embarrassment is a big part of why.
So let’s take the embarrassment out of it.
There is no national standard for this
There is no national standard for what a school counselor does in the college process. It depends on the school, the district, and how many students each counselor is responsible for. Some schools have a dedicated college counselor. Many, especially large public high schools, have counselors doing college on top of everything else.
So if you don’t know what to expect, you are not uninformed. You are accurate.
I’m a former school counselor with fifteen years of experience in public education, which is exactly why I can walk you through the whole job, including the parts nobody in that office has time to explain.
What the year looks like from the inside
It varies by school, but the shape is common.
August and September are schedules, new families, and a lot of 504 meetings. Then a hard pivot to seniors: early deadlines, recommendation letters, meetings, and everything going out the door in the same few weeks. After winter break, registration for next year takes over.
And underneath all of it, every single day, are the students who are not okay. A kid in crisis. A friendship that blew up. A failing grade. An attendance problem. Those come first, and they should.
Being a school counselor is incredibly reactive. The college conversation happens in whatever is left.
What gets squeezed out
Here is what I wanted to do and didn’t have time for.
Read students’ essays and help them edit. Dig in with a student about what they actually need in a school, and help find schools that matched. And teach executive functioning: how to plan a week, break down a big project, actually study, and keep track of what’s due. Those are the skills that decide how junior year goes, and ninth grade is when they should be getting built.
None of that happened on an individual basis. Not because nobody cared. Because none of it is an emergency, and a school counselor’s day is built out of emergencies. That is triage, not neglect.
If you want more of this kind of behind-the-scenes explanation, my free newsletter goes out every Tuesday.
What you can absolutely ask for
These are squarely the school counselor’s job. Ask without apology.
- How the process works, and whether there is an internal deadline. Many schools set their own deadline for transcript and letter requests, earlier than the college’s. Ask what yours is.
- Context that belongs in the counselor letter. A hard year, a move, a family situation, a health issue, a grade that dropped for a reason. Tell them briefly and early. They can only explain what they know.
- What they need to write a good letter. If your school has a questionnaire or brag sheet, give it real time. If not, a short, specific note about your kid helps. And have your kid stop by once in the fall just to say hello.
- The things only the school handles. Course sequence, registration, and which documents the school sends to colleges versus which ones you send.
If your kid is a freshman or sophomore
This is your best moment, because nothing is on fire yet.
Introduce yourself and your kid while there is nothing urgent. Ask about the course path, not just this year’s schedule. If your kid has a 504 plan or IEP, make sure the counselor knows it. Ask what the school offers, like college nights, career tools, or dual enrollment.
And know that executive functioning skill building is almost never going to come from the school in a structured way. That part is yours, and ninth and tenth grade is when it pays off.
If you think something got dropped
Raise it early and kindly: “I’m not sure this went through, can you help me check?” Mistakes happen in an office carrying that much. The families who catch them are the ones who ask.
How to ask so it lands
Email rather than drop in, unless it’s urgent. Put your kid’s full name and grade in the subject line. One question, or a short numbered list. Ask early, not the week of the deadline. And say thank you.
The part the school can't give you
What most parents actually want is time to ask their own questions about their own kid. The unique, amazing human they are raising, who doesn’t fit into anybody’s handout.
That is the conversation there is almost no room for in a school counselor’s day. At the moment you’d want it, your kid’s counselor is sitting on the floor with a crying child, breaking up an argument between friends, or chasing down a failing grade.
That’s a big reason I run my free webinar, My Kid Is in ___ Grade. Now What? I walk through what your focus should be for each grade, but mostly I hold space for your questions, answered live by someone who has been inside a high school and knows college admissions. I run it regularly. Sign up for the next one here.
Bring your questions.
