A freshman mom told me recently that she thought she’d already messed everything up.
Her daughter was two months into high school. She’d just found out some of her daughter’s friends had signed up for harder classes. And she said, “I think I screwed her before she even started.”
Two months in.
If you’ve ever felt that, the sinking “everyone else knew something I didn’t” feeling, I want you to hear this: feeling behind in college planning is one of the most common things I hear from parents. In every single grade. And it’s almost never what it seems.
Behind vs. in the dark
When a parent tells me she feels behind, nothing has usually gone wrong. No missed deadline. No disaster.
What she’s really saying is, “I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing, and it seems like everyone else does.”
That’s not behind. That’s being in the dark.
- Behind means something is late. A deadline passed, a step got missed.
- In the dark means you just can’t see. Everything you need is probably right there. You just haven’t found the light switch.
The difference matters, because you can’t fix “behind” by worrying harder. But “in the dark” is completely fixable. You just need someone to turn on the lights.
Where the dark comes from
Social media. Posts about what every freshman “should” be doing. Kids announcing acceptances. None of it knows your kid, but it shows up at 10:30 at night anyway.
The neighbor. The pool mom, the sideline mom, the group text. Usually not trying to make you feel bad, and usually in the dark themselves. But now you’ve got one more puzzle piece that doesn’t fit.
A school system that isn’t built for every family to get a sit-down conversation. School counselors care deeply. But one counselor is responsible for hundreds of students, the most serious situations rightly come first, and many counselors are asked to handle college admissions, financial aid and course planning with very little formal training. There often just isn’t time for the conversation your question deserves. That’s not anyone’s fault. It’s how the system is built.
What the dark sounds like at every grade
Freshman year: classes. “Their friends are in harder classes. Did I already close a door?” Freshman year is a starting point, not a verdict. Colleges look at all four years and love to see growth.
Sophomore year: activities. “They don’t have a thing yet.” Sophomore year is for exploring. The activities that matter most are the ones a kid genuinely cares about and sticks with. Depth beats volume.
Junior year: testing. “SAT or ACT? How many times? Does it even matter?” There’s no one right answer. It depends on your kid and their list. And juniors have time. This is the year it gets figured out.
Senior year: everything. “Everyone else has submitted and we haven’t started the supplements.” Your kid is not the only one. A thoughtful application beats a rushed one.
Want help knowing what actually matters for your kid’s grade, one week at a time? My free weekly newsletter walks parents through exactly that. Sign up here. It’s practical, calm, and occasionally funny.
The one question to ask when the panic hits
Next time the “we’re behind” feeling shows up, stop and ask:
Is something actually late? Or do I just not know?
If something is truly late, deal with it. It’s usually more fixable than it feels.
But most of the time, the honest answer is “I just don’t know.” And that’s not a failure. That’s a light switch you haven’t found yet.
Turning on the lights
I created the College-Bound Parent Collective, alongside my one-on-one counseling, because I kept watching parents work so hard for their kids while spending all that energy in the dark.
The Collective turns the lights on. Every week, you have somewhere to bring your questions. Every month, new content drops based on where your kid should be and what to prioritize for their grade. Not everything on the internet. Just what matters now, and what can wait.
It’s for parents of every grade, and you can join anytime. Learn more about the Collective here.
Most families who turn the lights on find out they’re standing exactly where they’re supposed to be.
