Content warning: this post discusses sexual assault, drug use, and the deaths of college students. Support resources are at the bottom.
This isn’t my usual post. Usually I’m writing about college lists and essays and testing calendars, and I’ll be right back to all of that next week.
But I’m the mom of a college student and a senior who’s getting ready to go. I work with high school students every day. And this has been a scary week to be the parent of a college kid.
In the span of a few days, the news carried three very different stories from three very different schools: a lawsuit over an alleged sexual assault at a fraternity house, a university’s own finding that a student-athlete had raped a classmate followed by a punishment many people found shockingly light, and the deaths of two college students whose causes are still under investigation. I talk through what’s been reported on the podcast, carefully and without naming anyone, because these cases are still unfolding and some details may change.
Here, I want to focus on what those stories have in common, and what we can actually do about it.
This isn't one school
It would be easy to read the headlines and decide this is a problem at a few schools. It isn’t.
The largest survey we have comes from the Association of American Universities, which surveyed more than 181,000 students at 33 universities in 2019. Thirteen percent of students reported unwanted sexual contact, by force or while unable to consent, since enrolling. At the schools that took the survey twice, that included more than a quarter of undergraduate women, 26.4 percent, and 6.9 percent of undergraduate men.
That data is a few years old and comes mostly from large research universities, but it’s still the best big picture we have. And federal data from the Bureau of Justice Statistics found that about 80 percent of rapes and sexual assaults of female college students were never reported to police.
So the stories we hear about are a very small slice.
The conversations we assume already happened
When I worked in a high school, things came through my office door all the time. And these were kids from amazing families. Loving, involved, really good households.
But I’d walk away from some of those conversations thinking, does this kid really know what consent means? And, wow, some of these kids are making choices that could change their lives forever.
Then I’d call the family. And almost every time, the parents were shocked. Not because they didn’t care. Because they truly thought they’d already had those conversations.
That’s the assumption I want us to let go of. A health class is not a conversation. A school assembly is not a conversation. An orientation video is not a conversation. Our kids need to hear this from us, in our own words, more than once. Even when they roll their eyes.
Here are the three conversations I’d have with every college-bound kid. Sons and daughters. All three.
Conversation one: consent, and not standing by
We have to raise kids, and especially sons, who protect people.
Say the basics plainly. Someone who is drunk or high cannot consent. It doesn’t matter what they said earlier or what anyone else is doing. If they can’t clearly say yes, the answer is no.
Then talk about the part that gets left out: everyone else in the room. Standing there is not neutral. And “do the right thing” is too vague for a nineteen-year-old at a party, so make it concrete:
- Interrupt. “Hey, your friend’s looking for you,” even if she isn’t.
- Get her out. To her friends, her room, somewhere safe.
- Get help. Find someone sober. Call someone.
- Call 911 if something is wrong. Every time, even if you’re worried about getting in trouble.
And accountability means saying something to your own friends. “Dude, no. Leave her alone.” That sentence, from another guy, can change the whole night.
Conversation two: staying safe, and it is never your fault
Before a single safety tip, say this, and say it more than once:
If something happens to you, it is not your fault. It is never your fault. The only person responsible for an assault is the person who did it.
With that said, here’s what I want every kid to know. Not because any of it makes something their fault if it happens anyway, but because I want them to keep as much control as they can in a situation that can get out of control fast.
- Go together, leave together. Pick your people before you walk in, and don’t leave anyone behind.
- Watch your drink. Get it yourself, keep it in your hand, and if you set it down, get a new one.
- Share your location with a friend, and with a parent if they’re willing.
- Trust the feeling. If something feels off, it is off. You never have to explain why you want to leave.
- Have a code. A text that means “come get me, no questions asked.” And parents, when that text comes, keep the promise. No questions. Not that night.
Conversation three: what goes in their bodies
When we don’t yet know what caused a student’s death, I won’t guess. But the message from police and officials in this week’s news was clear: avoid anything that wasn’t prescribed to you.
Here’s what I want our kids to understand:
- Sold in a store does not mean safe. The FDA says there are no legal drug products containing kratom on the market in the U.S., and has warned about risks including liver damage, seizures, and addiction.
- If it didn’t come from a pharmacy with your name on it, you don’t know what’s in it. Not a pill from a friend, not a vape at a party, not something that “helps you focus” during finals.
- If a friend is in trouble, call for help first. Many colleges have a medical amnesty policy, which means a student who calls for help for a friend in danger won’t be punished for drinking. Policies vary, so look up your student’s school. The rule in our house is simple: you call, and we’ll deal with everything else later.
What to look for when you're choosing a college
This is the part you can use on your college list starting today.
- Read the Annual Security Report. Every college that receives federal funding has to publish one by October 1 each year, under a federal law called the Clery Act. It includes three years of campus crime statistics and the school’s policies on sexual assault, alcohol and drugs. Search the college’s name plus “annual security report.”
- Find the Title IX office. It responds to reports of sexual harassment and sexual assault, can arrange support like changes to classes or housing, and can run an investigation if a student files a complaint. Make sure your kid knows it exists.
- Look up the amnesty policy. Whether a school protects students who call for help tells you something about whether it puts safety first.
- Pay attention to how a school has handled cases involving fraternities and athletes.
Not every school gets this right, and you’re allowed to ask.
And ask on the tour. Ask at the info session. You’ll learn a lot from how comfortable people are answering.
Pick one conversation this week
Pick one conversation this week
I’m not sharing any of this to scare you. Most of us are scared enough this week.
I’m sharing it because the thing that actually protects our kids isn’t hoping they learned it somewhere. It’s us, saying the words. Out loud. More than once.
So this week, pick one of these three conversations. Just one. In the car, on a walk, over dinner. And say the words.
🎧 The full conversation is in the episode above.
If you need support
- National Sexual Assault Hotline (RAINN): 1-800-656-4673, text HOPE to 64673, or chat at rainn.org. Free, confidential, 24/7.
- 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: call or text 988.
- Poison Control: 1-800-222-1222.
- In an emergency, call 911.
Sources: AAU
2019 Campus Climate Survey; Bureau of Justice Statistics, Rape and Sexual Assault Victimization Among College-Age Females, 1995 to 2013; the Clery Center; the FDA; the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (medical amnesty).
